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Autumn's Sonnet

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New Car! [09 Feb 2006|01:36am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Okay, this update will be public 'cause I'm so EXCITED. Omg... I'm so happy.

Donnie and I bought a new car!!! Weee! >_< This is what is is:

Sunburst(yellow) Spectra SE-R Spec V
- 175-hp 2.5 Cylinder Engine
- Helical limited Slip Differential
- Spec V-Rated Suspention
- 6-Speed Close-Ratio Manual Transmission
- 17" Aluminum-Alloy Wheels
- Sport Bucket Seats with Unique Sport Seat Cloth

It has a break package, sunroof, in-cabin microfilter, sports floormats, yadda yadda... omg. ._.; It was the ONLY one on the lot, and the ONLY one they had in that special edition. It was in the showcase spotlight and we bought it. XDDD I'm so grateful for the boost of help from Donnie's mother and grandmother, and for this... utterly amazing realationship I've been blessed with. I feel so complete with him... and I feel even closer to him now that we're futher commited with not just living in the same house, but sharing an important expense (money-wise) between one another.

I trust him... and he trusts me. We work for eachother, an for ourselves. We never argue (except the few times we've had our emotional differences), and we never stay mad at eachother. We're so easy-going, and understanding, and in love. It's perfect, that's all I can say. From here on out I'm going to have a much more adult out-look on how our lives are going, and think only to better our lives. It's such a great feeling to have worked for something, and get what we've deserved for all the saving we've done. But, I know I have to thank Donnie's grandmother most of all for driving us, and staying around for us when we've needed her to get us to work and back, or to borrow her car to get the things we need. She's truly a blessing.

::Sighs.:: I feel as though I don't deserve this, it's overwhelming. But... I'm so glad. I've never felt so happy. I'll never leave this happiness. It's unreal.

-Jessica Lauren

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Friends Only. [04 Jan 2006|06:51pm]

From here-on-out it's friends only. Not sure why, but it seems like a good idea right now. woo. <3

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Life... [02 Jan 2006|02:38am]
Life is good.

Really friggin good. :3

Happy 2oo6! <333

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[25 Nov 2005|10:43am]
[ mood | nauseated ]

I feel... so sick.

I'm going to vomit before the day is through. ~_~

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Loneliness... [29 Oct 2005|09:48pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I'm bored beyond what I thought was possible..
I miss him.. he hasn't been around lately in the evenings when we're off work..
He's always so tired when he gets back, and we only have a couple of minutes to speak..
I'm also aggrivated because he hasn't been around lately..

I shouldn't feel as though I'm upset with him, but I don't know. For some reason I would think he'd take more consideration into being home for me especially after he says he's not being the best boyfriend to me because of how often he leaves me hanging. I was so loving last night.. I wanted to see him and just talk to him so badly.. but he was exhausted, and had to go to sleep. I had asked him if I could have some time with him tonight, a few hours or more to outselves to be with one another.. and he went somewhere, not filling me in on where he was going. He'd said Dylan wanted to go to the theatre to see Saw II tonight since they didn't go last night.. so I assume that's where they went, although he has been gone for almost 4 hours now.

I feel bad for having my missing him turn into this.. turn into something that when it grows too much for me to bear, it grows cold and I just feel as though it doesn't matter that much to him. I cry. But I'm just sad.. I want him. Everyone experiences loneliness, but I don't feel it is something I'm so used to. It aches, and there is only one cure...

I hope mine arrives soon.

~Au Revoir

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This will be quick, I promise. [13 Oct 2005|11:55pm]
[ mood | meh ]

Well, after a sudden absence, here I am, updating although it won't be a long one.

I got grounded at home. Yeah, an 18 year old, paying bills at home, and with a job, grounded because she fibbed about putting towels in the washer. ~_~ Meh. I lost integrity at home, my parents say they can't trust me (wtf?), and I'm taken away from the internet for seven days, then punished on my day off work to clean the bathroom, wash rugs, and clean the kitchen. Uuh.. man. I've been so bored. I don't do anything all day. I wake up.. lay in my bed for a while.. get up.. watch TV.. talk on the phone as much as possible.. and then just.. watch more TV until I feel like falling asleep. Mmrrr.. I'm so bored (lets see how many times I say this tonight?), and I have absolutely nothing to do but sit by myself, and occupy myself with something I before barely even too noticed to; the tv.

Well.. other than this, I've been pretty all right. The whole.. being grounded things affects my mood and tone a lot. I seem miserable, like I hate everyone, and that I'm just generally unhappy all around, but I'm not so hopeless. I'm just depressed, and without a thing in the world to do. At least if I still went to school I'd have friends to see for six hours. Homework to do (I never thought I'd miss that..), or just some assignment to catch up on. ;lkasjdfkasdf Rrrrr.

I'm going to Louisiana soon, flying into Houston Hobby first, then driving into Lake Charles. Woohoo. Being down south'll be an interesting experience, I know. I'm staying at his grandmother's house. She seems really nice, and is already doing a lot to clean the place up, and stock up on food (like she really needs it. x_x lol.) And yeah. I think it'll be pleasent. I'm eager to meet him again, but who's to say how things will go. I'm optimistic, though.

I don't have a whole lot to express right now.. maybe it's because I feel like at any moment I could be cut short. I'll do better next time, but for now, this is the best I can do. x:

Be well without me, everyone.

Au Revoir.

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Breathe. [04 Oct 2005|11:49am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Taking a step back to be by myself. Nobody else will get into my head, and nobody else will taint the pure thoughts of my own mind. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the words meant to help, but sometimes when you have something in your life that you just have to do on your own.. nothing else can aid you but yourself, and it's a long climb to the top of the cliff when you've nobody to slowly watch your ascendance.

I've been so stressed I sleep much deeper than I used to, but at the same time.. I sleep less. Maybe 4-5 hours a night. I wake up feeling exhausted and tired, then the flood of circumstances return to my conscious to haunt me, and the depression sinks in. I'm torn, as if I'm ripped open down the middle, and it hurts. It hurts so bad I can't stop these random fits of sobs. I tremble at the mention of it, literally, and the thought of losing is just like ripping out a part of me.

I'm told the two are hurting.. badly. Nobody deserves that. Nobody. Despite how cheerful they can sound on the phone.. I guess they're hiding something from me just to lift some of the pressure from my shoulders.. I don't know that for sure, but I have to wonder why. I'm puzzled in that aspect, but, I'm just going to keep my head straight, and clear. This is no game, and it's no contest.

This isn't about anyone else but myself. I'm not living someone elses life, I'm not playing the role in someone elses relationship, this is mine, and I'm going to make a step toward my own happiness, and think from my mind, as well as heart. I'm not acting myself, and I'm not showing my true colors because they've been so tainted by these outside elements. Soon, though, they'll glimmer brighter than before.. and all of this will have been worth it in the end...

"The alcohol, the demerol; these things never could replace what a minute with you could do to put a smile on my face..."

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pic-tarrrrs - part two! [19 Sep 2005|02:03am]
[ mood | blank ]

Eyeliner Galore Collapse )

Talk about physical maturity in the past month or so. Woo-wee.

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GAH. [18 Sep 2005|10:21am]
[ mood | cranky ]

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.

I went over with my card by $7.50.


Fees suck. Yes indeed. I forgot how much they told me it was going to be.. but I assume some $25 or so. ~ ~ Meh. Time for a new spending plan.

Cash : Card ratios. Woo!

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Beckoning Light. [16 Sep 2005|02:20am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Things are looking a lot better. I'm feeling much more optimistic, and everything is falling into place.

We bought a new puppy, a little girl from a couple who raises the type of dog we bought. The peekineez. Lol. Yes, I still cannot spell it. But, anyway, my parents named her "Kona", after the kona bean, since she's brown and black like one, and just so sweet. She's really adorable, and loves people. She plays with a ball, and chews things, which is more than Max liked. I think the change is good, and it's helping us all to move on in a healthy way. We'll never forget Max, but.. I guess we can't all sit and mourne the past, right?

Well.. my vision is starting to play tricks on me. x x;; I made a HUGE post tonight, so the time flew by.. I'll be back in the morning, for I need to post again, in another thread! Heil Roleplay. :Salute:

~ Au Revoir

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Rest in Undying Peace.. [13 Sep 2005|03:36am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

Well, I s'pose it was yesterday when it happened.. seeing as how it's so late now.. but, my dog had to be put to sleep on September 12th, 2005. He was getting quite old.. but he was a very sick dog to begin with, even while young. As a puppy he suffered catorax(sp?), and then later glochoma which depraved him of one of his eyes. He was such a good dog.. very loving, and caring.. but, he just couldn't hold on any more. ::Sighs..::

My step-mother was there when he was put down.. she held him, kissing his forehead. He was frightened to be at the doctors again, and I think he knew what he was there for. They stuck the needle at the top of his paw. He was shaking. And before they even got half the seringe pushed in, he went limp.. and his body just collapsed into her arms. She was crying when she got home after work.. and I'd bought her a candle set as an empathy gift. This really hurts me.. a lot more than I let on, and the more I think about it, the more I want to cry. I already am.

I saw another peekineeze (yes, I know that's not the spelling, but I don't know how to spell it..) in the pet store today, and it made me realize just how bad of shape Max was in. He was an older puppy in the store compared to the other dogs when we bought him. I guess the other people didn't want to buy him because he was a dog with so many inherited problems. But.. I think it's a good thing we got him. We loved him to death, and cared for him just as much as he cared for us. Maria spoiled him like nothing else in her life.. and he was happy. I'm so glad he was our dog.. ::wipes eyes.::

I'm going to go with her to the mall again, to show her the other puppy. It's a little girl, and she's so adorable.. and looks so healthy. I hope we can get her, 'cause I already miss having a dog in the house, it's not the same. Just maybe.

R.I.P. Max
We love you still.

~ ... Au Revoir

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Refluent. [12 Sep 2005|03:02pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

Old feelings resurface.. new desires threaten my resistance.

Love; trivial.

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Revenir. [30 Aug 2005|08:27pm]
J'ai coupé les ailes de mon oiseau aujourd'hui! Yay!

Aussi, j'ai vu le Brother's Grimm. Un film très divertissant.

~Au Revoir!

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Accomplishments. [29 Aug 2005|07:27pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Well, I had today off work and I must say things were quite productive!

To start, though.. I had the worst sleep of my life last night. I was so exhausted, but when I went to sleep.. I couldn't get any rest. When I was sleeping, I was dreaming on the verge of consciousness, and so I didn't get to catch any hours.. and when I wasn't laying there with my eyes open, staring at my ceiling, I was tossing and turning with my eyes held as tightly closed as possible. It didn't work, and when my brother's friend called at 5:45am, it woke me up from my dream, and left me wide awake.. again. So I've been up since 5:45. Blah.

Well, now onto the worth-while part of my day! First, I was online for a while and talked to Zack early in the morning. He wasn't very happy.. and seemed quite depressed.. but we got through it, and he later called me to apologize for the way he'd been acting lately. It made me feel better to hear his voice since we haven't talked on the phone in a while, and since his voice was so loud I almost mistook him for Paul when he called, lol. Usually he's quiet, because of his phone. d= Meh, anyway. I'm happy he's doing better with us, it makes me glad to know he thinks we're going to be okay no matter what. I miss him now.. and hope he's okay. Katrina looked pretty bad on the news.. I worry. ::Exhales.::

So, after my morning adventure I got so tired that I managed to catch an hour of quality sleep before my gynocologist appointment at 1:45pm. That went well. Walked in, talked to the doctor, and walked out with a temporary perscription of birth control. Woo for the patch! No babies for Jessica before she's ready. Nope nope nope. After that, Dad and I went to Chumorah to cancel out our accounts, and get the money out so we could do other things with our time and cash. I opened up a checking account at BofA, so now I'll be able to have a debit card!! Mwahaha.. and in one week's time I'll have a cell phone to have for my own use. I'm going to get the plan where I get 400 minutes a month, and free nights and weekends for just $49.99 a month. That includes free caller ID, three way, call waiting, yadda yadda.. more stuff I can't remember. It'll be great though, 'cause I'll be more reachable.

Hm.. and what else. Oh! I hung out with Mai more today. ^^ We seem to be together more often than not lately, and it's real nice. I love spending my time with her 'cause we can both laugh about the same things, and we're so laid back.. and everything is just so open and pressure-free. We can go out and do things without worry of cost (most the time, but we don't really go do expensive things. d= movies and icecream, plz). And.. ::sigh:: It's just a break from work and everything else that's going on. Online as well, though I must say I miss all the friends I used to have on here. Although what I have now I think I cherish more. I have more close friends, and less people that just talk to me because they're bored. It's nice.

So, anyway, that's my day. Nothing bad at all happened, and it's just been a smooth operation. I'm content.


~Au Revoir!

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Adulthood. [28 Aug 2005|05:24pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I'm 18.

... Go me? ::Pushes a fist in the air, as if silently cheering herself on.::

I don't notice the difference much. I'm just glad I can finally vote.

~Au Revoir

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A reminder. [26 Aug 2005|11:52am]
[ mood | good ]

I've been changin' but you'll never see me now
(I've been changin' but you'll never see me now)
Now I'm blaming you for everything

No more holding it in
How many years can I pretend
Nothing never goes the way it should
No more sitting in this place
Hoping you might see it my way
Cause I don't think you ever understood
That what I'm looking for are the answers
To why these questions never go away

I'm so far away
I've been changin' but you'll never see me now
I'm so far away
Now I'm blaming you for everything

No more waiting for the end
Of every day that I will spend
Wishing that I only had a choice
No more pushing you away
Cause I will be busy watching things going my way
Never looking back on this anymore
Because what I'm looking for are the answers
To why these questions never go away


I've been changin' but you'll never see me now
Now I'm blaming you for everything

I'm so far away

Hey hey watch me wave
Goodbye to yesterday
Nothing left in my way
Hey hey I've been saved
With sun shining on my pain
Getting me through this day
Hey hey watch me wave
Goodbye to yesterday
Nothing left in my way
Feels so good to say


Now I'm blaming you

I'm so far away


I think of David. Hrm. Not sure if it's him or me in those lyrics. Oh well. So much for forgetting.

Au Revoir.

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So little time so little time, got to work it all out. [21 Aug 2005|09:29am]
[ mood | grateful ]

I woke up this morning feeling real good, unlike a lot of other mornings. I think it's because today is my friday, and I know I get this coming friday off completely. I have to go in on Tuesday because of the inspection at work, but that wont be so bad. I come in Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, off Friday, come in Saturday and get off early (my birthday), and then work Sunday, just to have Monday and Tuesday off the following week. =3 Mwahaha. Crazy scheduel, but that's all right. I'm not going to complain.

I have an appointmet with the gynocologist on Monday, the 29th for birth control. Woo! Isn't it fun becoming an adult, and being able to make your own decisions? Yes, I think so. I'm so glad I don't come off my parent's insurance until I'm 19.. that'll help me out quite a bit. At least, until I can get something worked out so that I -have- insurance. Mehmeh. I need to go take a shower, I think I'll go do that. ::Crawls off into the shower.::

~Au Revoir

PS - I love him. =)

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If I could only get some sleep. [20 Aug 2005|09:07am]
[ mood | cranky ]

I had the worst dream imaginable. Ugh, and it didn't even last for more than an hour, since It started after I'd woken up, then gone back to bed. I don't even want to talk about it.

Back to work again, 10:45 I've got to be there. Rene is really beginning to piss me off. She's unable to do her job correctly, I think. She goes on to tell me she had a headache in bed the last night because she was rushin', and that she can't do that? She works in a fast-paced environment, there's no getting around it. When things speed up, so do I, and I guess she's stuck in her non-multitasking, slow moving, stubborn little world where she's always right, and we're wrong. She's not fit to be a manager.

I've really been toning up lately, and it shows. Well, to me for sure. All this work, and less eating of foods I don't need is really helpin' me out as far as getting to the goal weight I've set. I'm still not there yet, but it's approaching, for sure.

::Marks off another day on her calender.:: ... guh. I'm getting much to impatient. My birthday.. going to Louisiana.. God help me. x x;;

~Au Revoir

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::Yawn.:: [17 Aug 2005|07:55am]
[ mood | content ]

Mmrrr.. just woke up, and it's time for a new week to start. My two days off have been had, and I'm ready for round two! Well. Round two as in.. the second week since my last paycheck, which means I get paid this Saturday. < < Mwahaha. Well! Work is actually going very well, and so is my life, though the usual things are still there to, in small ways, bring it down. It doesn't get to me, though. I've learned to just let it go, and keep going. Little things, like.. how Maria can never just let me sit. She walks in the door, and once again the dictator has resumed superior status, and the home is under her iron fist. But, meh. Dad's still cool, though he can be aggrivating at times as well.

On other notes!

I bought my tickets to Louisiana on Monday. =D I'll be gone from Oct. 16th to 23rd. Yes! A whole week! A week of nothing but me, and the guy I so dearly love. I'm sure it'll be interesting, to say the least. I enjoyed his time out here with me, and I expect nothing less than that from my trip out there. I have a feeling, though, it'll be a little bit better since we won't have parents constantly peering over our shoulders, or anyone to accompany us to the movies, or whatever. ::Sighs softly.:: I'm already growing so impatient..

Mm.. what else.. I don't know. Oh! Last night, Cookie, Rabbit, Zoe, and I all had a cam party last night, and omg, it was hilarious. Zack later joined in, but he was so exhausted. ; ; Amd by that time, most of the laughs had been had. If it wasn't Zoe cracking a joke, it was me, and ugh.. just funny. I loved it, we'll have to have another one of those again. Mwahahaha. BUT.. that's it for now! I must get ready for work, and stretch a bit. I feel all.. compact. O o;; BAI.

Au revoir, mes amis.

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Unsure friendship. [10 Aug 2005|08:09am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

I never see her anymore.
We barely talk anymore.

When I make somewhat sarcastic, playful remarks online.. she says I'm being snotty, or something along those lines. She's overly defensive, it feels like, and will gladly jump on the offensive, and say I'm up to something, or being rude at the moment I textually 'seem' like I'm acting a certain way. ~ ~ Since when have I -ever- been purposefully rude, or unruly with anyone online? Never.

She talks about herself constantly, and boasts about how she's getting payed more than anyone else, and how she's 'content' with it. So? Who cares what -you- get paid? I love my job, and I like the people I work with. The atmosphere is perfect for me, and I enjoy what I do. I'm not going to get jealous of you making $2.50 more than me an hour. ::Shrugs.:: I take pride in my job. Real pride.

Maybe I'm just being impatient, or she's just really pushing my buttons.. but I think this 'trust issue', as she calls it, is getting carried away just a little too far. 'Best friends' have more faith in eachother than that, and if what happened over (now) a year ago is going to make her this way toward me, I don't feel like waiting for anything to return back to even ground. She's got new friends, a boyfriend that keeps her far away from me.. she's got a new life. It's time I leave.

On an honest ending note, I'm sure your hair looks absolutely beautiful. I'm sorry I'll probably never get to see it.. you can't hold onto friends forever.

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